How to comment on someone's appearance without making it weird
In this body-obsessed culture, we need to choose our words carefully to avoid causing unnecessary stress
Welcome to the Esther Studio newsletter! I’m Carly, PhD, a marketing professor and artist living in the Midwest. I like talking about personal style, and I spend a lot of time making jewelry. If this sounds fun to you, keep reading and consider subscribing so we can see more of each other!
Heads up: In this post, I’m talking about weight loss and gain in a way that might make some folks uncomfortable. If you’re not in the mood for this kind of post right now, feel free to move right along and I’ll see you again next week!
A few weeks ago at work, one of my favorite on-campus friends popped into my office for a much-needed catch-up chat. I heard all about her holiday, her cats, and her family. As she wound down her recap, she leaned in, breathless, and said, “What’s new with you? You look skinnier! What have you been doing?”
I said something non-committal, brushing the comment away and drawing the conversation back to my winter art projects. After we parted ways, I spent the evening rolling the comment over in my mind.
Am I skinnier? I hadn’t noticed. I tried to resist the allure of taking it as a compliment. As a person with a history of “body stuff” and “food stuff,” there are mental places I try not to go. Nonetheless, in hearing another person’s appraisal of my shape, I felt exposed.
This isn’t the first time a comment about my appearance has distracted me, and it won’t be the last. As a person who considers her job to be her personal fashion show, these comments tend to be clothing-related. Not all comments are created equal. I’ll gladly take an “I love your outfit!” over a “You should wear that color more often.” The former is a mood-booster while the latter is unsolicited advice disguised as a compliment.
Being human in public means having our appearances assessed on a near-constant basis. I would just rather not hear most of these assessments out loud.
In this post, I’ll share specific examples of common phrases that we should avoid completely. I’ll explain why we need to be very careful when talking to people about their bodies and clothes. Then, I’ll provide some constructive ways to engage in conversation about someone’s appearance that won’t make them feel like they’re under a microscope.
As I do this, I’m assuming we all have the best intentions. If this post makes you uncomfortable because I’m critiquing things you tend to say out of love, I see you. That being said, I think it’s important to reflect on how our words make others feel, and learn how to choose our (very powerful) words carefully so we’re not causing unnecessary stress.
What’s wrong with commenting on someone’s appearance?
Maybe you’ve heard some of these phrases before, or you tend to say them:
“Looks like you’ve put on a few pounds.”
“Wow, you’ve lost weight! You look great!”
“You look tired.”
“You have such a pretty face.”
“I love how you don’t care what others think.”
“I could never pull that off, but it works for you.”
Here are six reasons why commenting on someone’s appearance is not great on an individual or social level:
You don’t know what someone’s going through. I’m putting this at the top of the list because it’s the most straightforward and actionable. If someone has lost or gained weight, or their appearance has changed in some other way, it’s dangerous to jump to the conclusion that this change was intentional, positive, and/or welcome. Many things contribute to weight loss/gain and changes in appearance, including medical conditions and stressful life circumstances. Meeting someone’s physical change with positivity or critique might mean ignoring what really matters to them at that time.
Your comment is rooted in restrictive ideals. Whether we realize it or not, when we praise certain bodies or outfits while critiquing others, we are upholding hierarchies that place value on certain attributes over others. These hierarchies are old, dusty, and exclusionary. For women, thinness and femininity rule. Not just any thinness or femininity, though - the kind that are “in” right now. Our ability to meet these ever-shifting ideals determines our worth. We’re most valuable when we’re at our thinnest, meaning we’re usually only praised when we’re thin. By extension, this means our “best” outfits are the ones that make us look thin and feminine. When you say “You look great!” the question becomes, great according to whose standard?
You’re assuming someone subscribes to those ideals. Body-related hierarchies and ideals are cultural, meaning they are not natural. We made them up. Folks who grew up in different cultures but find themselves wading through ours will be confused when they’re being praised or criticized for things that don’t matter to them. Similarly, folks who are sick and tired of our culture’s emphasis on thinness and femininity might click “unsubscribe.” Many people find beauty and value outside our culture’s prized attributes. It’s not fair to press our standards on them.
You’re normalizing body surveillance. What I find so interesting about my reaction to body-related comments is that I might not mind the sentiment, but I mind being perceived so closely. “Have you lost weight?” implies “I've been monitoring your appearance.” Similarly, “You look great!” sounds like “I like this version of you the best.” No one is walking around taking secret notes on my body, but that’s what it can feel like. The message then becomes that this kind of tracking is normal and something we could or should be doing to our own and other bodies, rather than, you know, just existing.
Your comment might be a projection. I think it’s worth looking inward to notice patterns in the comments we tend to make about others’ looks. If you find yourself commenting on folks’ weight, this might mean that you’re placing a lot of value on these things, even if you don’t realize it. When it comes to comments on others’ fashion choices, comments like “I wish I could wear that” or “You can wear that because you’re so thin” are really saying more about you than they are about the subject of your attention. This isn’t meant to condemn you, but rather to present you with the opportunity to ask yourself what you really value or need.
You’re missing opportunities for genuine connection. I’ve always enjoyed the idea that “your body is the least interesting thing about you.” When we focus conversation around someone’s physical form or other surface-level qualities, we are ignoring other things that are way cooler. Seeking connection over hobbies, passions, and goals is more difficult and time-consuming than commenting on someone’s body, but it will be infinitely more rewarding.
If you find yourself reading this list and thinking you’ve found a loophole - that there is a good reason to comment on someone’s appearance - I would urge you to keep reading to find alternative places to direct your conversational energy.
How to comment on someone’s appearance without making it weird
I think it’s too simple - and unrealistic - to suggest we never comment on others’ appearance. Instead, I suggest we each consider our roster of common comments and make swaps or edits wherever possible. Below, I’ve broken down some advice into “danger zones” and “try this instead.”
Danger zones
Do not comment on someone’s physical shape or weight loss. It’s not your business.
Do not talk about someone’s physical shape or weight loss behind their back. You’re just transferring the discomfort to someone else who now gets a reminder about what it means to be considered (un)attractive.
Avoid generalities. This is where I personally have room for improvement. A lot of folks hear praise not just when they’ve lost weight, but when they’ve engaged in some sort of socially sanctioned grooming. Greeting them with “You look great!” can be a reminder that they only look great when they put in certain kinds of effort. The other day I felt bad when I told my friend she looked lovely and she said she’d just gotten her roots touched up. I think she’s lovely all the time, inside and out, but now I’ve reinforced the idea that she needs to get her roots done to be considered attractive.
Proceed with caution when commenting on someone’s immutable (unchanging) physical attributes. I usually enjoy compliments on my red curly hair and green eyes, because I was born with them and I consider them a gift. They’re not as culturally loaded as my physical shape. However, as a white woman it’s usually not cool for me to gush over a black woman’s hair, especially if I don’t know her, because the power dynamics would be off. Similarly, I keep thoughts about my students’ physical attributes to myself, and I would rather not hear this kind of comment from a man. As you can tell, it’s delicate and context-dependent.
Try this instead
Give a non-physical compliment. I think our desire to comment on people’s appearance is rooted not just in body standards, but a desire for connection. You can make someone feel really good by telling them something nice that has nothing to do with their appearance. Maybe you could say they’re a really good friend and you appreciate how they’re always there for you. Maybe you could say they have a great sense of humor, or they’re a great cook. We are so much more complex than our bodies, and I wish we expressed gratitude for all the ways we show up in the world.
Say you like an item they’re wearing. When you keep the focus on the item, like a handbag or a shirt, you’re complimenting their taste rather than their body. You can also try being more specific about why you like something. Instead of saying “I like your skirt,” you can say, “I like your skirt - that’s a beautiful color.”
Acknowledge the skill and creativity involved in getting dressed. I love to hear when someone appreciates the way I’ve put together an outfit, or the way I’ve mixed patterns. It makes me feel seen and understood, not exposed.
Build bridges when you’re feeling insecure. If you’re doubting your body or personal style, and someone close to you seems to radiate the confidence you’re lacking, take it as an opportunity to learn and grow with them. Rather than saying, “I wish I were skinny like you,” why not try, “You seem to love your fitness class. Would it be okay if I joined you sometime?” Or, instead of saying, “I wish I could wear that,” try, “I love your style. Would you ever be up for helping me with mine sometime?” Someone who enjoys what they’ve got going on would be happy for the company.
We need to take care of each other
This post is not about shutting you down because you tend to say the “wrong” thing. Instead, I’m writing to acknowledge the inherent difficulty of having a body in a culture that only values you when you look a certain way. I’m saying that we need to take care of each other so that this culture doesn’t beat us down more than it already has.
These days, supportive comments - phrased carefully - can go a long way. Better yet, though, why not ask someone how they’re doing? Not “How are you?” in passing, but a genuine, sit-down-over-coffee, “Tell me how you’ve been.” The more we understand each other, the better we can treat each other.
I know I’ve missed things with this post. There’s a possibility you disagree with me, or think I’ve gotten something wrong. The comment section is here for you to add your perspective. My only request is that you join this conversation with love, because we could all use more of that right now.
Thank you for taking the time to learn along with me. For those of you who might be struggling with “body stuff” or “food stuff” right now, hang in there. The world is tough but you are tougher.
This is a great encapsulation of everything I think and feel about the discourse around appearance and keeping track of what other people look like. As an overweight woman who loves to wear interesting clothing and has a pretty developed and individualized sense of style I love getting compliments on my outfits but absolutely loathe when people comment on my appearance or weight or other people’s appearance or weight. I have a co-worker who is obsessed with fitness and comments on other people’s weight and appearance constantly. She’s a nice lady but I always have to brace myself for this stuff when she’s around. The thing I hate the most is when she’s says derogatory things about her own weight even though she recently lost a lot through a fairly punishing exercise regimen she started. I find myself gritting my teeth when she’s says derogatory does this.