Dressing for my post-tenure era

Unfiltered, a little weird, with sequins. Join me!

Welcome to the Esther Studio newsletter! I’m Carly, PhD, a marketing professor and artist living in the Midwest. I like talking about personal style, and I spend a lot of time making jewelry. If this sounds fun to you, keep reading and consider subscribing so we can see more of each other!

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One night this week, as I was winding down for bed, I read an article by Jalil Johnson, an NYC-based street style icon known for his exquisite gender-bending taste. In the article, Johnson reflects on a lifelong love affair with clothes, starting with the urge to dress his mother and grandmother.

Stopping to examine a series of photos, I was struck by the poise and confidence Johnson exhibited while wearing a slip, sequined skirt, and slingbacks in the middle of a city street. In another photo, he stood among trees, holding a stuffed pheasant while wearing a Jackie O-inspired skirt suit.

In each photo, I could feel through the screen that he was dressing completely as himself, in part because he looked so relaxed.

I took a screenshot of this quote because it spoke so clearly to something I’ve been feeling and thinking about lately:

The ultimate style goal is to know thyself completely, and not feel the need to bend or shift to some vague whim or trend.

It makes me think that if you know what you like, you almost have no choice but to wear it. You’ve seen what’s meant for you, and you can’t look away.

My world in flux

Last summer, starting with my annual pilgrimage to NYC - the same streets where Johnson dresses so beautifully - I felt a change coming.

At the time, I didn’t know what it was, only that I was becoming more myself. The feeling was like holding sand. I couldn’t fully grasp what was happening, but not necessarily in a negative way. I was just noticing that something was happening.

Eight months later, I can see that the elusive feeling that I couldn’t name was a desire to say what I mean and exist in the world as a more unfiltered version of myself. I think I just got tired of holding it all in.

For the past six years, I’ve been junior faculty at a liberal arts college in the Midwest. A couple of weeks ago, I learned that I have been granted tenure. Theoretically, if I want it, I have a job for life. This feels like an exhale more than a celebration, but it is for sure a celebration. It has felt really good, albeit a bit anticlimactic, to know that my hard work has paid off.

And there has been so much hard work! I’ve been thinking about how, for the past six years, I’ve been giving my all, and it was always more than enough. There were so many times that I doubted myself, but I was never in danger of “doing it wrong.” If anything, I could have done less work and still received tenure, which is hard to reckon with.

This pattern runs through so much of my life - not only my academic life, but the way I move through the world. I try hard, but I doubt myself.

I think the shift into a more unapologetic form of womanhood means that I finally recognize my worth both as a human and a scholar. I’ve started to more fully see the value of how I show up in the world, and I’m growing less concerned as to whether anyone else sees that value. Or, rather, the circle of folks I’m trying to please has shrunk dramatically.

If I sound tired, it’s because I am. But I’m also doing just fine. I wish I’d felt this way sooner, but I know many women spend their entire lives trying to bend themselves into shapes they think other people will like. I don’t think I can do that anymore. I’ve seen what’s meant for me, and I can’t look away.

I suppose this is why photos of a man wearing a skirt suit in the woods while holding a stuffed pheasant appealed to me.

What does a tenured professor wear?

This brings us to my closet. No skirt suits or stuffed pheasants to be found (yet), but the sentiment is there as I consider what a more unfiltered version of myself would like to wear.

I’m going to hold off on naming specific items because I think the lesson right now is to move towards loose principles. So much of what I’ve been realizing is that my natural instincts are just fine, so I don’t need to second guess them.

Here is a starting point, in the form of some notes to self:

1. I feel best when I’m dressed up. It doesn’t matter what everyone else is wearing; if I get dressed up to leave the house, I will feel like myself.

2. I like the personality piece, or the slightly weird piece. I’m here for the conversation starters that bring a bit of joy to my day.

3. Feminine details and cuts match my energy. A ruffle, a bow, and/or some volume make me feel special, even against the backdrop of a masculine business school.

4. Bright colors - and bright whites - work best with my coloring. They’re also the most fun!

5. Sometimes a basic piece is too basic. And then I won’t want to wear it.

For the most part, these are very simple guidelines, but they are mostly new to me. I wouldn’t say that receiving tenure flipped a switch in me, style wise, but I would say it’s relaxed me to the point where I’ve been getting dressed for work with “me” in mind more than ever.

I’ll leave you with the most concrete example I can think of.

A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon a 1980s silk dinner jacket at the Salvation Army. It’s got pearls, sequins, and the requisite shoulder pads, and at $12.99 I couldn’t just leave it there to languish amid a sea of puffer jackets and Carhartt. It was one of those full-body yes situations.

I immediately started plotting how I would wear the jacket to school the next day. I debated dressing it down with a pair of corduroy pants, but ultimately decided that the rest of the outfit needed to rise to the occasion. A skirt and heels!

This is where things got a little funny. I knew no one in a three-mile radius of my suburban campus would also be wearing a 1980s dinner jacket during the day on a Monday, and, for some reason, that sent me into a bit of a self-doubt spiral. Luckily, I had a group chat of secondhand-shopping undergraduates to boost me up (thank you, gals!).

Grateful for the vote of confidence, I wore the outfit to work and never wavered again. I felt like myself: dressed up, feminine, a little weird. It was such a good reminder that I know what I like and I know what will make me feel good.

This experience - on the heels of my tenure news - feels like a fresh start. Thinking back to Jalil Johnson’s elegant ease on the streets of NYC, I don’t feel far off from this relaxed ideal.

Being a human is so funny. I think I know myself, and then something happens, and I meet myself again. I’m not entirely sure where my post-tenure self is headed, but I at least know she’ll be well dressed.